My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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