Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
