I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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