My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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