you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Barsexuality is the new black.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
