The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
