Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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