I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Boobs speak an international language.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
