bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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