My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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