every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
