i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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