Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
