Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
