There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We are all done wearing pants today
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
