drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
