take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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