so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
