You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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