I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
