I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
