I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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