I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
