I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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