there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
