All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
