I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
