I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
ttyl tear gas
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
