please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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