Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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