I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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