Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
