I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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