awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
