I think my fart just growled at me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize