I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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