I wish I only lived at night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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