so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
