Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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