Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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