The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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