I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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