I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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