woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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