I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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