If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
