Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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