you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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