She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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