This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
