When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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