Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize