I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
