I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
