So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
