I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
