Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
