Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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