gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
