I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
