The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
