kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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