I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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